1. Pray together.
2. Banish divorce as an option.
3. Get help when needed.
4. Practice NFP.
5. Put marriage first.
Divorce does not end the sacrament of marriage. Divorce only ends the civil legal aspects of marriage. Divorced persons are encouraged to utilize the Eucharist and Reconciliation. Only after an annulment or death of one of the spouses is a formerly married person free to court and marry.
1. Marriage is a sign of Jesus and his Church.
Marriage was named in the earliest days of Christianity as a sacramental sign of the relationship between Jesus and his Church. We all know "something about the depth, the intimacy and the beauty of the gift of self" that married couple’s experience. The U.S. Bishops' letter discusses the sign of marriage at length.
2. Marriage has two purposes.
The Church has long seen the purpose of marriage as being more than conceiving and raising children. The other key dimension of marriage, connected closely, of course, to raising children, is the bond of love. The Church has spoken of these two purposes as the unitive and procreative goals. In plain talk, married couples love one another and, when the gift is given, raise children, in Church and society. These two purposes, or ends, of marriage are intimately related.
There is a long tradition of Catholic teaching about marriage, one that Vatican Council II clarified for modern times in the 1960s. The Council taught that marriage is “the intimate partnership of life and the love,” founded by God and “endowed by him with its own proper laws....For God himself is the author of marriage.”
What are those “proper laws”? One was most obvious perhaps until recently: “The Church has taught through the ages that marriage is the exclusive relationship between one man and one woman.” Properly committed to at the outset, it is a lifelong bond that couples must remain committed to, a “faithful, privileged sphere of intimacy between spouses that lasts until death.”
That intimacy is expressed, of course, in “conjugal love,” the sexual intimacy shared between woman and man in marriage, a “complete and total gift” of one to the other. Those of us who are married know that this self-giving goes through many seasons over the course of the couples’ lives: the thrill of first love, the beauty of children, the sharing of good times and challenging times, the stuff of a loving relationship “until death do us part.”
Sexual intimacy is a key part of it all, leading to, in the words of Vatican II’s Gaudium et Spes, “free and mutual self-giving, experienced in tenderness and action, and permeating their entire lives; this love is developed and increased by its generous exercise.”
3. Marriage helps everybody.
The bishops particularly point out that marriage is not a private institution: It is the foundation of the family and is key for all of society. They devote a good deal of attention to explaining why marriage is limited to a woman and a man: “It is precisely the difference between man and woman that makes possible this unique communion of persons.”
Then they decry a growing trend, they say, of marriage being seen as something of a private matter, separate from child-rearing, “an individualistic project not related to the common good but oriented mostly to achieving personal satisfaction....Thus the decision to marry is seen as one thing; the decision to bear children another. When children are viewed in this way, there can be damaging consequences not only for them but also for the marriage itself.”
4. Marriage is a sacrament, in the words of the bishops, “crucial to the Church on a supernatural level.” This sacramental nature of marriage was explained most clearly at Vatican II, which the bishops quote: “Spouses, therefore, are fortified and, as it were, consecrated for the duties and dignity of their state by [this] special sacrament; fulfilling their conjugal and family role by virtue of this sacrament, spouses are penetrated with the spirit of Christ and their whole life is suffused by faith, hope and charity; thus they increasingly further their own perfection and their mutual sanctification, and together they render glory to God” (Church in the Modern World, #48).
“The Holy Spirit binds the spouses together through their exchange of promises in a bond of love and fidelity unto death,” say the bishops. Their covenant is joined to the covenant between Christ and his Church; as Vatican II taught, “directed and enriched” by Christ and his Church.
5. Marriage is mutual, healing, giving.
The married relationship is fueled by the grace of the Holy Spirit. With the help of God, then, the “spouses become willing to do the acts and courtesies of love toward each other, regardless of the feelings of the moment.”
Those acts and courtesies are nurtured by the self-giving life of Christ for his Church; this spills over into the spouses’ relationship, into their families, into the broader Church. No sacrament is given for its own sake, teach the bishops; marriage is a sacrament, “directed toward the salvation of others” (see Catechism, #1534).
Marriage, in imitation of Christ, is a healing relationship. The love of Christ for his Church calls for a “healing relationship between man and woman.” That in no way allows for one-sided subjection of wife to husband; rather, there should be a “mutual subjection of husband and wife.”
Of course Ephesians 5 says it a bit differently, directing wives to be subordinate to husbands, yet for husbands to honor their wives. (When that reading is proclaimed at Mass, there are more than a few nudges among wives and husbands in the pews!) Pope John Paul II took up this passage in his 1998 encyclical, On the Dignity and Vocation of Women, saying it “must be understood and carried out in a new way.”
6. Marriages are virtuous.
The dynamics of family holiness depend upon the life of grace and love nurtured in a couple’s marriage. The bishops acknowledge that the Yes proclaimed before the community, at the wedding, begins the “real work of marriage”: to become an “image of Christ’s love for his Church.”
The wedding is filled with the hope to “become what you are!” as our bishops say, but they observe what long-married couples know well: “This will require persistent effort.” Romance will not always be present: A living love knows this.
Growth in the theological virtues of faith, hope and charity is a fundamental, biblical way to see the opportunities—and challenges—of married life. “Likewise, they live in hope of God’s kindness, mercy and generosity,” trusting that God is watching over married couples and their families.
The moral virtues, including prudence, justice, fortitude and temperance, are also part of the package, but the bishops discuss at length chastity and gratitude.
Married or not, observe the bishops, everyone is called to chastity. In fact, they note, some people may be surprised to learn this applies to marriage. Marital chastity is conjugal chastity. It calls for a couple’s love to be “total, faithful, exclusive and open to life.”
There are many temptations against this chastity, at home and in the community, as any married couple well knows. To guard against these temptations is to grow in “physical, emotional and spiritual intimacy,” say the bishops. That’s a lifelong journey.
On the other hand, there is a “joyous gratitude” that is “critical for marital and family love.” Self-giving, openness to the gift of children—these are the schools of marital love. Children may be God’s gift to the couple, and are to be gratefully welcomed. This gratitude will “overflow from the marriage and family to embrace the Church and the world.”
All of that joy and gratitude nurtures a spirit of hospitality, making the home a welcoming place for the family, for adopted or foster children, even for those in need whom the family chooses to help. The sacraments of the Church confer the grace from God that helps to nurture the marriage and family along the way.
The bishops note what they likely have learned from experienced couples: “Getting married does not, therefore, magically confer perfection. Rather, the love to which the spouses have been configured [through the marriage sacrament] is powerful enough to transform their whole life’s journey so that it becomes a journey towards perfection.”
All of this makes marriage a sign of the Kingdom, say the bishops. Ultimately, “Christian married love is a preparation for eternal life,” one that includes the entire Church.
The matrimonial covenant, by which a man and a woman establish between themselves a partnership of the whole of life, is by its nature ordered toward the good of the spouses and the procreation and education of offspring; this covenant between baptized persons has been raised by Christ the Lord to the dignity of a sacrament.
Catechism of the Catholic Church 1601
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Engaged couples are to begin preparations at least nine [9] months before their wedding as required by diocesan policy. A date for the wedding will be reserved only after visiting with the pastor.
For more information please contact the pastor at 712-225-4606.
1. All Catholics are required to have their wedding vows take place in the presence of one of the persons’ bishop or one of the persons’ pastor or deacon, and in the presence of two witnesses. For a wedding to take place in the presence of a minister other than the persons’ Catholic bishop, pastor, or deacon, or in a non-Catholic church building proper permission from one of the persons’ bishop is required.
2. The wedding is to take place in the parish where either the Catholic groom or the Catholic bride resides or is a registered member. For a wedding to take place in another parish, the permission of one of the persons’ pastors is required.
3. For a Catholic person to marry a person of a different faith (Christian or non-Christian), proper permission from the Catholic person’s bishop is required.
4. Preparation is to be done in the parish where either the Catholic groom or the Catholic bride resides or is a registered member. For preparation to be done by any other parish, permission of one of the persons’ pastors is required.
5. Preparation is to be done according to the particular law of the Diocese in which one or both persons reside. (i.e. the Diocese of Sioux City requires nine-months of preparation before the wedding ceremony that includes meetings with the pastor and completion of marriage classes). This preparation ensures that the couple is free, ready, and able to commit themselves to the holy bonds of Sacred Matrimony. The persons preparing the couple have the right to delay the celebration of the Sacrament of Matrimony until the couple demonstrates readiness and capability that includes proper understanding of the commitment they plan to enter. Time is also needed to allow for the proper permissions to be granted, especially when persons live in another Diocese or another parish and plan to be married in a parish they are not members of. Extra preparation is required for persons: (a) entering a second marriage after the death of the first spouse or declaration of the invalidity of the first marriage by a Church Tribunal, (b) who are cohabitating, and (c) due to other circumstances (i.e. pre-marital pregnancy, marriage attempted in violation of the Church’s teaching of marriage, etc.).
6. If possible, Catholics are to be Confirmed before entering into marriage.
7. Catholics who enter a marriage without the proper preparation risk entering an invalid marriage and being denied Holy Communion until such a time the union is recognized by the Church.
8. For more information, please contact your parish priest.
WEDDINGS AT SUNDAY EUCHARIST are possible just like we celebrate Baptisms, Confirmations, and First Eucharist at Sunday Eucharist. In fact, it may be preferable to celebrate weddings at the Sunday Eucharist due to the declining number of priests and to allow more people to attend. Weddings at Sunday Eucharist would be easier to plan and would add not much more time to the Sunday celebration. These celebrations are becoming more common, even in our own Diocese. Many of the Hispanic, Laotian, and Vietnamese weddings are taking place during the Sunday Eucharist. Weddings at Sunday Eucharist permit more people to celebrate and to be reminded of the significance of the Sacrament of Matrimony.
Christian marriage is a covenant, not a contract. Contracts are 50/50 agreements in which rights are spelled out. Contracts can be broken if either party fails to fulfill their part. A covenant, however, is a sacred promise where each party gives 100%. Do you?
Marriage is a sacrament with four charateristics: free, total, faithful, and fruitful with the purpose of the procreation and education of children and the mutual sanctification of the spouses. [CCC 1603]
Marriage is a life long commitment, a sacramental union, that cannot be broken, even if the couple is divorced. [CCC 1644]
What is an annulment?
Jesus intended marriage to be a permanent commitment between a man and a woman, a relationship that would last throughout their entire lives. But some marriages break down, oftentimes because there is something missing from the very beginning—some element that keeps the relationship from being the kind of permanent commitment Jesus intended. An annulment is an official decree of the Church that says: Upon careful examination, after a thorough investigation, a particular failed marriage appears not to have been the kind of (sacramental) relationship that Jesus intended. A church annulment doesn't mean the marriage didn't exist; it simply says that from all appearances the failed marriage in question was not a sacrament in the full sense intended by Jesus. Children born in such marriages are not thereby declared illegitimate, since an annulment does not "dissolve" a marriage or declare that it never existed.
An annulment is not a "Catholic divorce," but a ruling by the Church that a sacramental bond never happened [CCC 1629].
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12 MYTHS ABOUT MARRIAGE ANNULMENTS IN THE CATHOLIC CHURCH
MYTH NUMBER ONE: A Divorced Person is Automatically Excommunicated from the Catholic Church The truth is that divorce itself does not affect or alter a person's status in the Catholic Church. Divorce is a function of the civil law and secular courts. Although it has been a widespread misconception for many years, it is a myth that a divorced Catholic is "excommunicated," this is, not able to receive the sacraments within the Church.
MYTH NUMBER TWO: An Annulment Costs Thousands of Dollars
The truth is that no Tribunal anywhere in the world asks for "thousands of dollars," although the fee requested for an annulment process does vary from one Tribunal to another. In the Archdiocese of Baltimore, the requested fees range from one hundred dollars to five hundred dollars, depending on the type of case, but the fee the Petitioner pays is only about one-half of the Tribunal's actual cost for a case. It is a myth that the process costs thousands of dollars, and in fact no one is ever turned away from a Tribunal because of their inability to pay a fee.
MYTH NUMBER THREE: Only Catholic Marriages Need to be Annulled
The truth is that every marriage is considered a promise for life, a promise until death. It makes no difference whether that promise was made in a Catholic ceremony or not. No one, no matter what their religious affiliation or membership, is considered free to contract another marriage if they were married previously. Every prior marriage must be investigated and annulled before a person can enter a new marriage. It is a myth that no annulment is required if a person wasn't married in a Catholic ceremony.
MYTH NUMBER FOUR: If an Annulment is Granted the Children will be Illegitimate
The truth is that an ecclesiastical annulment is concerned only with the spouses, and not the children. An annulment has no effect at all on the legitimacy of children, or other arrangements regarding children, such as custody or support. These are all concerns of the civil law, and an ecclesiastical annulment has absolutely no effects under civil law. It is a myth that granting an annulment makes the children illegitimate.
MYTH NUMBER FIVE: It Takes Three to Five Years to Get an Annulment
The truth is that every annulment case is different, and some processes are longer than others, but few cases ever take more than 18 months from start to finish. Decades ago, it did take several years, but today the longest process is usually finished in 9 to 18 months. Some types of cases can be finished in a month or even less. It is a myth that the typical marriage annulment takes three years or more to complete.
MYTH NUMBER SIX: Anyone who Applies (and Waits Long Enough) Will Get an Annulment
The truth is that Tribunals do give negative decisions. The burden of proving a case rests on the Petitioner, that is, the person who applies for an annulment. The Catholic Church presumes that every marriage is a valid union, and there must be sufficient grounds for declaring otherwise. The Tribunal will help the Petitioner to understand what's needed to develop a case, but if there isn't enough proof, the Tribunal will give a negative decision. It is a myth that everyone who applies gets an annulment.
MYTH NUMBER SEVEN: If Children were Born in the Marriage, It Can't be Annulled
The truth is that the Catholic Church considers an openness to children to be a natural and essential part of sacramental marriage, but whether any children were actually born or not has no bearing on the possibility of an annulment. If children were born, it is important that both parents live up to their natural and legal obligations to their children. It is a myth, however, that a marriage can't be annulled if the marriage resulted in children.
MYTH NUMBER EIGHT: The Ex-Spouse Has to Agree to an Annulment Or It Can't Be Granted
The truth is that both spouses have equal rights in an annulment proceeding, but that doesn't mean that the Respondent—the ex-spouse of the person who starts the annulment process—has to agree to an annulment. The truth is that the Tribunal judges can grant an annulment even if the ex-spouse is adamantly opposed to the idea of an annulment. It is a myth that both spouses have to agree to an annulment.
MYTH NUMBER NINE: An Annulment is Just "Catholic Divorce"
The truth is that civil divorce and a church annulment are two vastly different things. A divorce is concerned with the legal realities of marriage only; an annulment is concerned with the religious and spiritual element—the sacrament of marriage. A divorce focuses on the end of a marriage; an annulment looks at the beginning, the very moment the couple said "I do." A divorce looks at marriage in civil law; an annulment looks at marriage from the perspective of the Gospel and of Church doctrine. It is a myth that an annulment is "Divorce, Catholic style."
MYTH NUMBER TEN: An Annulment Means The Marriage Never Took Place
The truth is that an annulment can't erase history, and doesn't try to. An annulment in the Catholic Church deals only with the sacrament of marriage, and not the legal, historical, emotional truth of marriage. An annulment states that the sacrament was never present in the marriage, and not that the marriage never took place. It is a myth that an annulment means that the marriage never happened.
MYTH NUMBER ELEVEN: The Tribunal is Like a Courtroom, With Judges, Witnesses, lawyers, & Cross-Examinations
The truth is that the Tribunal is a Court of Law for the Church, but it is very different from a civil courtroom. Depending on the type of case, the spouses may have Advocates, and there will be 1 to 3 judges, but most of the work is done in writing, and there is never an emotional courtroom scene as in television dramas. If a person appears in person to offer testimony, it is usually done in a private interview, and never with "cross-examination!" It is a myth that the Tribunal is like a TV courtroom.
MYTH NUMBER TWELVE: The Idea of An Annulment Is Pure Localism in the Catholic Church
The truth is that an annulment is "packaged" in a legal environment, since that is the best way to protect the rights and interests of everyone involved, but it is far more than a "legalistic process." People who've gone through an annulment have found peace and insight into themselves and their marriages. It is a myth that the only concern of the Church in an annulment is legalism, but through the Tribunal process the Church invites you to find healing, forgiveness, and new joy.
For more information, please contact the pastor.